But oh that magic feeling, oh where to go?
You Never Give Me Your Money by The Beatles

I’m done with college. The goal that I had four years ago is complete.

Surely I have something to show for it, right?

Well, I can explain to you how synapses work, Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, the evolutionary construct of mating & the philosophy of Lost.

But I think that I learned the most from the people that have been my life, starting from May 2005 basically living at the Pappals helping take care of little boys, October 2005 living with the McArthurs inheriting five siblings, seeing a priest eating pie in Po Folks, which lead to the basement in March 2006, seeing that cool girl with the camera in May 2006, the advent of The Factory in fall 2006, walks downtown at 3am, making weird noises in passing, the hands pier, vegetarianism propaganda, the graffiti bridge, the conclusion of the Factory in May 2007, sleeping on the floor like puppies at the Flat, dumpster-diving, guineapigcuddles, getting a cat, the multiple versions of the Flat--losing & gaining & losing again, two educational ski trips, Haterade, walking home from the Handlebar, Palafox pier during a hurricane, baking at 1am for picnic, moving out&away + reunions, life-changing concerts [not because Dylan’s that great] & the realization that even the most brilliant people may actually be blind [myself included]

And somewhere in all that were 44 classes that made up 120 semester hours.

But I conclude that what I learned can be tied to a recent experience with a certain amazing four-year-old child who used to sprawl out in the middle of sermons on the floor:
- when riding on someone’s shoulders, don’t bother worrying about clearing doorways: enjoy the fact that you’re seeing a new perspective, they’re looking out for you & even if you do hit your head, you won’t die & it’ll make for a good story
- Christmas trees can be orange, and dogs with chef hats can be a suitable topper: you’re different from everyone else & people might think you’re absolutely mad, but conformity never propagated change
- kitchen cabinets can hide you even if your feet are visible: but don’t make it a habit, because you’ll forget what it’s like to have people really see you
- share your homemade flatbread: give what you love most; you might be at a technical loss, but they might meet you where you stand [& show you it’s even better with hummus]

Live for others but don’t forget yourself.
Eat that extra cookie.
Thank your roommates for staying up all night as you write that paper.
Hug for no particular reason.
Sing in the car.
Cry.
Ask for help.
Don’t be afraid to need others.
Realize your faults & work on them.
Stay strong but don’t become hardened.
Know that it’s alright that you are a completely different person than you were at seventeen.
And be glad for that.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

[p.s. do you know that I've been planning on this blog title since I got accepted to college in 2004?]

This blog is brought to you by the Pappals, the McArthurs, the Monks, the D'Angiers, Ryan Jones, Stephen Ulman, Stefanie Llorens, BJ Linja, Shea Cahill, the Carrolls, and Kira Rayne.

Oh, I'm afraid
Oh, nothing's happening
I wanna go there
Cause you've already been here
Cartwright


Ambivalence at its finest.

Official declaration of intention: to relocate life & all its components to northeast Alabama during the first week of January following upcoming graduation with a bachelors degree in psychology.

I will be living on my own for the first time in my life. I crave [mostly] solitary domestication complete with cats, books, knitting & no cable. I am terrified of isolation.

I will be working a real job in the field I have been working toward for at least three years, if not since my first viewings of The Silence of the Lambs & Girl,
Interrupted. I am ecstatic about the extremely promising interview I have in a couple of weeks & horrified at the thought of low wages & the possibility of ending up working in food service again.

I will know eight people in the area, five are family very unsimilar to my own whom I have not consistently seen since I was five or so years old.

I am taking a large number of risks for their own sake.

However, this is more logical than you think. Here is my brain:
a.) I will have credentials as of December 12.
b.) I cannot move forward in my present job.
c.) I refuse to work at Lakeview.
d.) I therefore need to move.

e.) I want to have at least one social connection.
f.) I do not want to live in a big city.
g.) My closest non-regional social groups live in Chicago, NYC & Alabama. Family in Vermont, Louisiana & Ohio very accustomed to living on their own.
h.) Therefore, Alabama is the most logical choice.

Alabama is also 13% based on emotion as well, which I can be fairly allotted, thank you. [har]

I have been contemplating this casually since last November, moreso since January & thoroughly since April. I just don't like announcing things until I get the ball rolling. Now it's a boulder of ambition.

Cheers, kids. I'm going on an adventure soon.

[foreword]
I haven't written in a while, which usually indicates I'm either happy or busy. This time it's actually both. I have a lot going on. I am graduating with a bachelors degree in psychology in seventeen days. I am likely moving in a little over a month. Things are changing & staying the same. The seasons budge ever so slightly, then back, orange, brown, gone. We'll see how this plays out. It's going to be interesting, I'm sure.

This has been quite possibly the best semester I've ever had. My classes are fantastic & the rambling spastic advocate in me loves anthropology. I wish I had found it sooner, really. It sparks so many new pathways of thought in my head; combined with my constant influx of new information & strivings for growth, it would not be unbelievable for me to consistently say that I have changed since we last spoke.

To the title: we know not what we do.

We live in a dichotomy. It dictates everything we think, do, speak, live, breathe, eat, show, hide, objectify, dwell on.

We are not free. [a subject I am about to write an extensive paper on for sociology as well]
We will never be free.
We never have been free.

But we do not have to accept things for how they are.
That applies to governmental procedures, religious constructs, social policies, definitions of gender, beliefs on what constitutes a family, abortion beliefs, 'scientific data,' personality-related actions.
Yes, we are limited by how these things exist at the moment.
No, we will likely not see change in our generation or for years to come for things like political policies.
Perhaps, things may never change.
Actually, they likely just change direction & manifestation.

But why? Because that's how it always has been. Someone has always been oppressed, hated, persecuted, proselytized. There is nothing new under the sun.

Most people think there is nothing we can do. I can't say that I never feel this way. But that's not the point I'm wanting to make.

I am more concerned with the fact that people know that things don't have to be static. Change can happen. It does happen. You just have to want it. You have to want to want it.

Before anything can change, people have to know that there is something to be changed. Then the fact that it can be changed.

I'll step down from my tiny soap box & stop telling you things you already know.

My rant has to do with oppression, yes. And you've heard the main argument before, but there are new little bits I've just learned that I just wanted to state. I am not saying that this issue is more important than any others or that it supersedes other situations that have been happening forever. This is just what we talked about in class yesterday, is all.

[the representation of women]
as someone to serve another, as property, as mere child production, we know all this.

I never knew how women got these stereotypes. [yes, you can definitely argue that women are more inclined to be certain ways, I won't deny that, just as men are; there is biological, evolutionary, scientific data as well as distinct (though few) personality differences that are neurologically-based] What I'm talking about are specific things:

women are faint of heart & less intelligent
this is linked to the fact that corsets cut off blood circulation, oxygen flow & rearrange internal organs, affecting development from a young age [fainting couches were made for this 'fact']


women are hysterical & should be institutionalized
there is this bizarre occurrence we now call PMS, which causes the 'symptoms' of this 'mental disorder'
the only way to cure hysteria is through massage/vibrators [we are so brilliant, because now women are happier & not crazy!]


women are only able to keep men if they don't smell
let's ignore biology, people. the reason your husband is not home [see: boinking the secretary] is because you don't douche enough with Lysol.


Oh, the wonders of marketing.

So, go run out, fix a nice hot meal for your man for Thanksgiving & don't forget to flush.

Happy holidays, kids.
[don't even get me started on the Indians]

I am the embodiment of two steps forward, one step back.
I am tired.
I am weary, let me rest.

I went to a thrift store yesterday with my mom & along with pants ['Nicole wears pants?!' 'Chicago-Nicole wears pants, yes'] & other uninteresting clothing items, I bought some things for my future domestic bliss = kitchen schtuff:


Emma thought they smelled rather odd.

I also decided to start collecting strange mugs for a collection:

it looks like beer to me

I ♥ manatees, in case you didn't know

[Yoda voice] presents Magical Santa gives, mrrrn

Tropicana, 1950

Daydream, 1986

And while I was talking to Nina last night, I spotted Barack Obama on the back ceiling.
And yes, I realized in my rush, I misspelled his name. Forgive me.

On The Radio by Regina Spektor
This is how it works
It feels a little worse
Than when we drove our hearse
Right through that screaming crowd
While laughing up a storm
Until we were just bone
Until it got so warm
That none of us could sleep
And all the styrofoam
Began to melt away
We tried to find some worms
To aid in the decay
But none of them were home
Inside their catacomb
A million ancient bees
Began to sting our knees
While we were on our knees
Praying that disease
Would leave the ones we love
And never come again

On the radio
We heard November Rain
That solo's really long
But it's a pretty song
We listened to it twice
'Cause the DJ was asleep

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

Now, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

And on the radio
You hear November Rain
That solo's awful long
But it's a good refrain
You listen to it twice
'Cause the DJ is asleep
On the radio


Even if there is nothing after this life, even if we disappear, even if this all means 'nothing'
what else have we got to do than what we want, what we believe in, what we love?

This has been such an overriding theme for me over the past foreverlong that I can no longer ignore it.

Without risks, chances, mistakes, changes, pain, tears, joy, fear, music, hope, love for anything & anyone,
there is no life.

Everything is an experience.
Even if it's 'bad,' you've learned. You've changed.
You are the interpreter, you are in charge of the effects & of what things ultimately mean.
You can no longer hope for another person to come around to tell you what it means.
You are the only one.

You make life what it is or isn't.
You decide what is important & what is not.
You decide your next step, just not your next breath.

Will you accept the challenge?
Will you choose to live?
Will you choose to question yourself? Question why you do things the way you do? Why you believe the things you hold so tightly?
Will you admit being wrong when you're proven incorrect?

Or will you sit, knowing the truth, yet unyielding. Seeing the potential for change as too risky?

It is risky.



But what else are you doing with your time?

You cannot fail if you truly believe in something.
You should not regret anything you really believed in.
Sure, you make bad choices, but I'd take a whole-hearted fault over a half-assed supposed-to any day.


Believe in it, whatever it is to you.

Are you looking for answers
To questions under the stars?

[scribbled this down on copy paper yesterday, it's all over the place, but shows typical train of thought]

I'm existing at less than my capacity. I know this & it is why I'm seeking to change it. Different job, different situation, different life, essentially. If I want, I can be whoever I want to be & almost everyone else will be none the wiser. Practically unlimited options, save for opportunity [economy] but for some reason, I'm optimistic.

I have a plan. I'm not going to be completely alone. Not too far from home.

I'm sure there will be a pang of sadness when I go; I think there will also be guilt. Those I have cared for, like my parents & a small number of close friends, may feel that since it was so easy for me to leave, they meant little.

However, it's quite the opposite. I wouldn't be in the process of becoming who I am/will be if not for them. I'm just as likely & able as anyone else to take others for granted & I know that I have.

But I try my best to see all aspects of a person, positive & negative, as fairly as possible. That's where the beauty lies, not in the things you try to conceal, but in the unforgiving light.

Masking oneself is a self-preservation method encouraged & taught by our society. We are told at a very young age to act in possible opposition of how we feel so we don't look like a wuss or an overly-emotional girl, that we aren't thin or athletic enough to essentially be loved, successful, accepted & respected.

What poison. How toxic our environment is: social constructs that put us down & oh the wondrous products that will fix us! We are taught that we are inherently broken, not on a spiritual or moral level [well, in some cases...] but worse, on the most unalterable physical level.

At a young age, I was told that I could never be a ballerina because I wasn't slender enough. I'm now grateful I dodged that bullet, as I am almost a member of the more awkward inner life of one with a psychology degree [how profitable!] but really, do we not see what's really going on? Classic conditioning, instilling the beaten puppy syndrome: you are not good enough for anyone, but I am the only one who can help you & offer protection; you dare not leave me because who else will care?

How can we ever be expected to succeed at maximum potential if we are not even taught that we have a potential in the first place?

I've been musing lately most on the social inequalities that we embrace involving sex & gender. It makes my head & heart hurt. And it makes me angry. Not many things do that to me anymore, invoking such a response, but I feel like I really need to do something about it.

This wasn't really anything with a definite ending point, just a snippet of inner dialogue.




there is just so much potential for more
there is just so much potential for me

In responding to one of the best blogs I've read in a while, I posted a quote from Annie Hall & realized that I may have never featured it in my own. It stands on it's own. Nothing I could say could add anything. You can draw the conclusions, I'm sure.


♥my favorite movie♥

This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken."
And the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?"
The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs."
Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships; y'know, they're totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd, and... but, I guess we keep goin' through it because most of us...need the eggs.

Blackout by Muse
new favorite song

don't kid yourself
and don't fool yourself
this love's too good to last
and I'm too old to dream

don't grow up too fast
and don't embrace the past
this life's too good to last
and I'm too young to care

don't kid yourself
and don't fool yourself
this life could be the last
and we're too young to see

I've grown weary of beautifully orchestrated pain.
crescendo, love
torment, truth
you're wrong,
you've lost,
life, drown
rescue, reality
disdain, pleasure

Oh, but the draw it has.
red lips
smirk
hands
eyes
tears

I'll endure just a little bit longer,
but my addiction has ceased.
maybe.
otherwise I wouldn't be writing this,
now would I?

I will squeeze a little more out of this bleeding heart before I cease;
the time is coming, though.

He peers over the edge and steps back.
'I'll die.'
'You're going to anyway,' she smirks
and she jumps.

What are you waiting for?



[by the by, it's Hug A Vegetarian Day]